Post by mildred on Mar 22, 2010 21:14:11 GMT
Sorry mods, didn't know where to put this so please move it if it's wrong.
Most of what is written in the next few paragraphs is what I was told by an overwhelming response to a 'do you know this pony' type ad in your horse mag a few years back. Some were well wishers but most were to 'warn me' of her. Shame they never got to know the real pony
This pony was destined for the big time, she had been bred in a reputable showing yard and was going to be a riding pony competing at county level and qualifying for HOYS and such like, things were looking bright for this gorgeous dark bay foal. Until a slight fault in her conformation was noticed, one of her front hooves pointed in slightly, although to the average horse lover it’s unnoticeable, a judge will pick it up straight away. Her breeder kept her until she was old enough to be a broodmare and used her to breed the foal she was meant to be, and then she was swiftly sold on.
Panache turned up at her new home, this time she was going to be jumping with a young girl on board. She did very well, the girl was a strong enough rider to control her speed but light enough for her to clear jumps with ease, she was soon JA graded but was jumped constantly and she became stale, then the bucking began. The girl started to struggle to stay onboard as Panache would simply turn herself inside out at the sight of a jump, she was very obviously unhappy but no one was listening to her. She was still taken out every weekend and if she refused to jump she was punished, in the most unorthodox way of trying to pull her by her ears (to this day if she is being worked her ears cannot be touched, she violently pulls away) She started to buck as soon as a saddle was put on her back, she knew what was coming and she was trying to tell her owners she couldn’t cope anymore but they just wouldn’t listen, Panache had a job to win them money and her say didn’t count. Obviously the winnings stopped coming in, and so she was sold on, pretty much unrideable by this point.
Back in the showing circuit but at a lower level, this is where she would shine! Unfortunately again, it was not meant to be. Panache was struggling being worked and would fight everything that was asked of her, she lost any top line and all muscle and didn’t have a spare ounce of fat on her. As her new owners couldn’t work her properly she was kept in a stable with a brick floor and no bedding, this way they completely controlled her weight with what she ate….. and so the manic cribbing began. She would swing off her stable door all day, every day, doing serious damage to her teeth, not the sort of pony they wanted seen on their yard and so once again she was sold on.
This time she was to go into a riding school environment, she was bought for pennies. But this is where her life was to change; this is where I met my first pony. It was back in 1996 I first met her, I was in awe of how pretty and shiny she was, such kind eyes but sad at the same time. I wasn’t allowed to ride her, she was for experienced riders only but I used to spend hours just talking to her whilst she grazed, stroking her neck and whispering into ear. Yet again she soon became disliked, very few people could sit her almighty bucks and she quickly became ‘that’ pony that no one wanted to ride. She was handed to me to care for, a kind of full loan without any expense, a teenagers dream come true!
When I first met her in 1996
Fluffy pony!! 1997
The next 2 years was a struggle, she was kept in a stable so small she couldn’t lie down, I was warned not to muck her out as she wouldn’t have a new bed laid, she would have to sleep on brick once again. She would get shouted and screamed at by her owner and grooms for cribbing, she was unloved and the only time she got affection was when I was with her. I would wrap my arms around her neck and bury my face in her coat and she would wrap her head around me, she just desperately needed someone to stop and listen to her, she wanted to talk so badly.
Her owner announced to me he was selling her, she wasn’t earning the riding school any money and was ‘a waste of space’. He was a very old fashioned man, very set in his ways and Panache would go to whoever would buy her at the best price and if that’s was meat price im sure she would have gone. I cried and cried at the thought of her leaving my life, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t study, I was scared every night that I would go to her stable and she wouldn’t be there. I must have appealed to his humanity, as he sold her to me at a price I could afford (not much for a 16yr old who’d left school only a few months before)
In the summer of 1997
As soon as I could I moved Panache from the riding school to a livery yard down the end of my road. Everybody fell in love with her and I was often having younger girls ask to ride her (you know the sort, all the confidence in the world) and with their parents permission I let them. They would spend hours grooming her and bathing her in the summer and she loved it. She found confidence in herself and soon become top mare.
Whilst she was there I found myself a job an RS close by and was offered to take Panache with me. It was nice being around her all day and although the set up wasn’t ideal for most horses (very limited turnout) she seemed to be happy enough. The only problem was her cribbing, once again it became apparent that this is something professional yards don’t want seen. This was 10 years ago and I didn’t know any better and am ashamed to say on my boss’ advice I bought an anti-crib collar, I never put it on her though. I had a phone call one Sunday afternoon (my day off) to tell me Panache had had a scare, someone had put the collar on her but didn’t fit it correctly, it slipped round her throat and clamped shut around her windpipe. Someone heard the commotion as she panicked in the stable and ran to get the manager. The manager grabbed a knife to cut the thick webbing strap but it was so tight, it was a real struggle. Panic set in as her tongue and gums turned blue, as she was suffocating she went still, which gave the extra room cut the strap. As it was freed Panache gave a big gasp and got up, by this time the vet was on their way. As it happens she was fine, seemed completely unscathed by the incident. I knew it was time to move on and handed in my notice, taking her back to her previous yard a week later and back to her old friends.
You talking to me? 1999
About 2 years later her field companions moved yards and that left me with a problem. Everyone else had their appointed paddocks and didn't want Panache in with them or to move one of theirs to keep her company so she was to be turned out alone. This upset her greatly, she would pace the fenceline calling all day and the only time she would be calm was when she was in her stable, so this is where she spent most of the next 2 weeks. I was franticly looking for a new yard for her when I was approached by another girl on the yard who was bringing a new Arab mare, Acrista, up at the weekend.
This mare was dominant, a typical 'stroppy mare' who was very fussy about equine companions but it was our only shot. To our surprise they seemed to have an understanding of each other, almost like they were destined to meet each other and quickly created a pair bond. For the next 18 months Panache and Acrista were inseparable, they were stabled next to each other, ridden together, groomed together, bathed together (not all necessarily on purpose, it just happened that myself and Acrista's owner worked for the same company so often had the same time off) but then some bad news came, Acrista suddenly became ill and very sadly had to be pts. Panache was beside herself, I would gets calls at all times of the day from other owners concerned about her, she stopped eating and would spend all day, everyday cribbing just in her own little world, her spark gone once again. She was grieving for Acrista and I didn't know how to help her.
I decided the only thing to do was move yards and so the pair of us went from pillar to post to find a yard we were happy in. Finally she came with me to the event yard I worked at in East Sussex, oh she did look funny turned out with the eventers, with her skinny little pins and big tum! She lived out for the summer in a field about 4 acres, with one of the eventers for company during the day and another in the field next to her at night. I used to hack her out onto Ashdown Forest in an attempt to keep her weight down, as I had no choice but for her to live out and she seemed to enjoy this. She used to love to race across the bottom field and surprised others with her speed, she would be right up front with the eventers and if they got too close she would let out a squeal and a buck to let them know she was leader! Things were good for the next few months but winter was looming and Panache cant cope with the elements, she needed a stable and there weren't any available and so the search began again.
I worked part time in a little country pub and was mentioning to a colleague my situation, as it happens she rode and knew of a space coming up at her yard, quite local to me. At last something was easy for us! I went and had a look round that week and met the owner, it was a big working farm with 40 stables and 4 huge fields, one for geldings and one for mares and were rotated. Panache had lived in a big herd before at the riding school and this wasn't a problem for us so we moved in pronto!
Once again she melted everybody’s heart, the children would ask to ride her and I would always walk round the corner to find someone making a fuss of her, she was in her element, in a corner stable in the indoor barn so everyone had to pass her, she could play 'snatch and grab' with peoples hay to her hearts content! For a year or so we were both very happy at this yard, by this time I had taken my colleagues horse on loan, which was much to Panache’s disgust at first, she wasn't used to sharing her mum! So I made the decision to get a sharer for her, I had gained weight by now and it was unfair for me to continue riding her and my loan horse demanded a lot of my attention, as she was quite nervous and completely unschooled.
With one of her little friends that she took for rides around the farm
I put an advert in the local free-ads "13.3hh NFx needs some exercise and TLC, not a novice ride!" and that same evening I received a call from a woman with a 12 year old daughter who lived close to the yard and were desperate to meet us. The next day she came up and spent the day with Panache. All was well, she rode her confidently in the school and spent ages grooming her. She then mucked her out and was keen to learn about her feeds, hay and general routine. I was over the moon that Panache was going to get the attention she so deserved! But unfortunately it wasn't to last.
I had got a couple of phone calls to say there was a stranger handling Panache on the yard, I was at work and couldn't get up there so asked them to find out who it was. It turned out to be a friend of the sharer, another young girl. The sharer couldn't make it up the yard but rather than call me, she called a friend who lived down the road to do Panache’s evening duties. I was furious! I called the sharers mum and asked what was going on! She assured me that her daughter made a responsible decision in picking one of her friends to do Panache, as this friend rode at a local school and was capable of looking after 'a simple pony like mine'. How on earth I retained my cool I don't know, but I met with the sharer and her mum the next day. I explained that no-one is to handle Panache other than themselves and if they are unable to do their day at short notice, they are to call me and I will make arrangements for her and not themselves! As this was the first time they had made a mistake and up until now I was really pleased with the work she was doing with Panache, I kept to our agreement but that was my mistake…
A few week later on a Sunday morning I had parked my car and was walking up to the yard when a couple of people pointed out Panache was very restless and obviously distressed but they couldn't see anything obviously wrong with her. I slowly approached her stable as to not disturb her, to see what she was doing and I found her with her nose down on the stable floor and almost spinning round in circles, I guess I could describe it as extreme box walking. I called her name and she stopped, called and rushed over to me, head on my shoulder, I could almost hear her say 'thank goodness you’re here!'. I looked around her stable to see what had distressed her so much, the only thing I could see was that there was no food bowl from her tea the night before but then I thought her sharer must have put it away. I went to her feed bins to check and walked past the hay soaker, where to my dismay I found her 2 haynets where I had left them Saturday morning! My poor girl had been put to bed with nothing to eat at all and this had obviously brought panic to her from her previous experiences of being starved. I gave her a very small feed (I didn’t want to cause colic by giving her a full feed as she would’ve eaten it too quick) and a little armful of hay and walked away to calm down. I went to my car, picked up my phone to call my best friend and just burst into tears, I had really let her down with my bad judgment.
Panache was happy enough being semi retired, she was indifferent about working and used to enjoy a blast on the lunge but really she was my pet. She loved cuddles and just being around people in general and not particularly fussed about turn out, she very much loves her creature comforts!
One evening I was doing a late shift in the pub when about 9.30 I got a voicemail from a good friend who was putting Panache to bed for me, she asked me to call her as something had happened to Panache. I instantly felt sick, my stomach felt like it had a tonne of lead inside it, my heart started racing and I could barely hold my phone calling back I was shaking so much. I went into the office to take the call…..
It was all a bit of a blur from then on, but from what I can remember my friend had gone to get Panache in from the field but she was no where to be seen. This was unusual as she often waited by the gate when she knew it was time for bed, so she called her name. She heard her cry back, almost a scream but still she didn’t appear over the hill. My friend went across the field, worried by this point as this was so out of character for her and she wasn't expecting what greeted her. Panache had been cornered by the other mares in the field and they were attacking her like their lives depended on it. Panache is only little, has skinny little legs and is unshod, compared to fit, young thoroughbred and cobby types all with full sets of shoes, so even if she had the courage to fight back she would have been no match. When she saw my friend she let out another cry, obviously begging for her help. She ran down across the field screaming at the other mares to get off her but they weren't intimidated. I believe she had to use the rope and grab a whip to fight the mares back off of her. She grabbed Panache and headed towards the gate. My once dark bay pony was now white with foamy sweat, eyes wild and just cried out constantly. She got her onto the yard and looked over her cuts and bumps, she treated them the best she could but Panache was in a state of shock and terror. I could hear her making the most horrific screams whilst I was talking to my friend, deciding the best thing to do for her.
At this point I'm holding back the tears, trying to think calmly. Thank goodness my friend is a voice of reason in these situations. Panache was trembling and box walking, understandably unable to settle. My friend waited with her until she could get a close look at her wounds. Luckily it didn’t look serious, lots of chunks of hair missing and a few bloody wounds but no serious bleeding. My friend stayed with her until she finally settled, gave her some hay, dressed her wounds and left her for the night. I didn’t sleep a wink that night, desperately waiting for 5.30am to come so I could comfort my girl. I was the only one up the yard and ran to her stable. Her coat was dull and matted in places from the sweat, and her wounds look nasty. I went in the stable slowly and I swear if she could have jumped in my arms she would have. I cried my heart out once again (my eyes are even welling up writing this) I cleaned her wounds and decided I would leave her a day before making a decision on whether to call the vet. (One or two of these wounds was no problem but the worry was that she had them dotted all over her) She stayed in for the next 24hrs and everyone kept watch over her. She would call out constantly, was very sore and incredibly frightened but physically she would be ok…..but it would leave her mentally scarred and the coming months were to prove the hardest for me and her.
Panache's wounds started to heal and she stopped wincing at her back being touched. The heat in her legs disappeared and the swellings were going down. I kept her on boxrest until she was healed and until the yard owners found somewhere for her to go, everyone agreed she couldn't go back with the mares.
Millie, Panache and I in happier days before her run in with the mares
There was an ex-racehorse gelding who belonged to my friend who rescued Panache that night, he had a paddock to himself as he used to get hurt out with the geldings, he simply had no social skills and wasn’t his fault bless him. He recently lost his companion so this was my only option, I had to put her out with the playful ex-racehorse and hope she could cope.
As it was they had a very strong bond and quickly became inseparable. When she was with him she very happy, she would play with him and teach him the skills he would need to survive in the herd. (Basically she was a typical nagging older woman!) They would be turned out together and brought in together, groomed together, shod together. Nottie made her feel safe and I was relieved to see her relax with him, unfortunately in her stable it was a different story. Panache started having nightmares (I didn't know horses could suffer with them), I would get calls telling me to get to the yard and I'd find Panache lying in her stable in the middle of the day making that same awful sound the day she was attacked. Her eyes were fully closed and she was lying flat but she was sweaty and obviously distressed but was in such a deep sleep it was hard to wake her. At times there would be 2 or 3 of us standing at her door, banging and yelling her name to wake her but she didn't respond until I went in and touched her, which was risky as she would naturally jump up in shock but it was too distressing to see her in that state time and time again. It also became common for her to call all the time she was in, almost as if she was scared to be left alone and I hated leaving her knowing she may have another nightmare, it was almost as if she was re-living it time after time, it was so strong in her mind that the event was starting to totally control her. I called the vet but they pretty much laughed me off, they came to see her and gave her a pony MOT and said physically she was fine (I was pleased to hear this as started to believe maybe she was having fits) and it was all inside her head and that basically she'd 'get over it eventually'. But things didn't improve, soon she was at a point where the only time she would be quiet is when she was with Nottie or myself and my friend. We were the only ones she would trust to protect her but I knew this was no way for her to live her life, I had to understand what she was going through, I had to get inside her head, I had to talk to her…….
A few weeks later and the behaviour continued. I was at the yard killing time on my day off when a fellow livery came down the yard and looked very please to see me. She told me 'panache wants to talk, she wants someone to listen to her' I was rather confused as you can imagine then she explained that she had Caroline, a cosmic healer, up to look at her mare. Apparently she had been walking round the yard just meeting all the horses when she was drawn to Panache, she wanted to talk to Caroline.
At first I wasn't sure what to make of it but then it occurred to me that Caroline didn't know I was at the yard so I felt confident she wasn't just trying to make money and I had a bit of change in my car so asked her to spend half an hour with her.
Panache stood quietly in her stable whilst Caroline stood back by the door and spoke to her, she held her arms open and whispered to her whilst a good friend of hers (also a healer but she sees emotion and physical objects compared to Caroline who seems to feel and channel emotion). Her friend could see red on Panache's quarters but wasn't sure what it was. She asked Panache to show her and with that I felt a horrible pain shoot through my stomach, I felt sick and in agony and in an instant and collapsed and slid down the stable wall. It passed as quick as it came and I was left speechless and embarrassed until I was told what she saw…….Panache showed her how she had been killed in a previous life by a cannon through her hind legs and quarters, when she was a warhorse.
I was shaking by now, not really understanding what was happening to me or my beloved pony. Panache then started to 'drink'. (She had no water and hadn't moved a muscle, but you could 'see' water going past her throat and down her neck in gulps) and continued to do so for a few minutes, the whole time Caroline very quietly talking to her. I don't know what Caroline was saying to her, she was whispering so quietly, but I could hear her friend telling Panache it was ok, she was safe now and can let go. At this point Panache looked at Caroline and started nodding at her, seemingly understanding what they were telling her. Caroline smiled and held open her arms to take her pain away and then something simply amazing happened…..
Carolines friends let out an almighty cry, it didn't sound human. She collapsed to the ground sobbing uncontrollably and myself and the fellow livery were very concerned. We held her and supported her up as she wanted to stay with Panache and as we looked over the door Panache had her eyes closed and was down on one knee (I just want to stress that at no point did anyone touch her). Caroline continued to encourage her and then I also found myself sobbing. Panache then went down on to 2 knees and I felt a huge wave of sadness come over me, like nothing I've ever felt or experienced before but I tried to fight it (I'm not very good at wearing my heart on my sleeve) I tried to hold back the tears I couldn't explain and with that Panache jumped up, eyes and nostrils wide and looking straight at me.
Caroline decided to leave her at this point and asked us all to come away and let her be alone so we went and sat outside the stable block and she explained everything to us…..
She said that Panache had a lot of grief and sadness she was holding on to, which she has carried with her through all her lives, but she was carrying mine too. Caroline asked me if something was upsetting me and, at that time in my life, I was going through some sad experiences. Caroline smiled and gave me a hug, she told me that Panache felt every ounce of pain I was feeling and she was 'holding on to it' to take it away from me, Panache felt the need to protect me as she had done for many years.
The sound that her friend had made was Panache crying. Horses hold just as much emotion as we do but we can cry, we can sob, we can scream and let it all out but she can't so she channelled through Carolines friend, she needed to cry and needed to be heard.
Caroline also explained to me that when a horse is totally relaxed, totally safe, totally comfortable they slowly lie down, releasing any bad emotion they may be holding on to. As Panache only went half way (she picked up on me fighting the tears and panicked) she is still holding on to some, but had made great progress.
At least now I understood why the mares attacked her, Panache was desperately needing to release and they sensed a change in her. She had become weak emotionally and the herd instinct was to get her out the herd, just as they would in the wild. My poor little girl.
Caroline told me to go and be with someone and not to leave the sofa or bed for a few hours, to cry when I felt I should cry and not be afraid of my emotions as they are Panache's too.
She hugged me again before she left and I remembered something she had said earlier, I asked her how she knew I'd had Panache for a long time when she commented that she had protected me for many years, she told me that Panache and I had shared more years than I'd ever now and that she remembers them.
At sometime, in years before I was born, Panache and I had been together and she had protected me then and she is in my life to do the same for me now, so when I say this pony is special ……she really is.
Panache continued day to day and slowly came back to her old self. She got her spring back in her step and became calm in her stable again. I promised her that I would never let anyone hurt her again and vowed she was with me for life.
A year or so later I became quite ill and Panaches behaviour changed. Before I even knew I was poorly, Panache has started whickering into my tummy and would throw herself at her stable door if someone walked past when I was in there with her. This lasted a couple of days and confused I wondered whether her insecurities were coming back. The next morning I got up before work to go to the yard but Panache seemed adamant that I wasn't to leave her, she put her head in front of my torso when I tried to walk out her stable and dragged her heels being turned out. All of a sudden I became violently sick. Another livery took Panache from me and I got myself home and spent the day in bed. The next day I felt no better and called on a livery to turn out Panache for me and asked for an update on her behaviour. I was assured she was fine, a little restless but we thought that was due to the weather changing. I was to be off work for the next 5 weeks with chronic stomach pains and was unable to eat but the doctors were baffled. I had all sorts of tests and specialists see me, a few trips to the hospital but no answers. I was getting very bored by now and insisted family and friends were to take me up the yard. Panaches behaviour was just the same, protective and possessive over me and always putting her head in front of my torso. I found out later that I has shingles but on the inside of my stomach! Panache had known all the long that something was wrong and wasn't stopping me from leaving, just trying to shield the area she knew wasn't healthy. It wasn't even me that picked up on this, it was other liveries who saw her behaviour change with me and suggested it to me. To this day Panache knows it causes me pain still in my arm (it affected all my nerves on my left hand side) and often will smell, snort and whicker that side of my body. I don't blame anyone for thinking this is all just coincidence and me seeing what I want to see, maybe it is. But it makes or bond closer whether its real or not.
Humouring me at christmas
A month later I had some bad news, the paddock that Panache and her companion share didn't belong to the farm and the owners were taking away the use of it with immediate effect. She had nowhere to go.
Her companion was re-introduced to the geldings and the hunt was on to find somewhere for Panache. I called every yard in the area and even put an advert for her on project horses (I convinced myself she was better going to a new owner than staying with me, when I obviously couldn't give her the environment she needed) During this time she spent 2 weeks in her stable. Awful I know and I feel so terrible about it but I couldn't bear to put her back out with those mares. I walked her out everyday and took her to graze inhand but I knew this wasn't an answer. Nowhere had space for her and I had no responses to her advert (a blessing now) and after lots of discussions with other liveries I decided I had no choice but to turn her back out with the big herd. I turned her out early and watched for a while as she grazed with the other older pony and the others seemed happy to ignore her. I went back to the yard to muck out when I heard a yell and the sound of hooves on concrete..... as someone has gone to turnout their mare Panache had taken the opportunity to barge through the gate and put herself back in her stable. I tried again the next day, turning her out at lunchtime thinking it would be better for her to have half a day but when I went to get her in she was throwing herself at the gate desperate to get out. Another week of staying in her stable followed then I wanted to try one last time as still had nowhere else to go. This time as I turned her out she stood at the gate and cried so loud, I swear begging me to bring her back and with tears rolling down my face I went to get her and that was the last time she ever went into that field. Interestingly, the mares had no interest in her but she was obviously and understandably petrified still and the memories still strong.
By this time I had a weekend job working at a little smallholding which had stables and grazing. I had spent mornings working there and weekends looking at yards and was getting desperate. I decided to bite the bullet and ask the owner if she would consider another livery and thankfully she said yes and told me I could bring my other horse too! 2 weeks later Panache was loaded in the trailer and we were off to what I was hoping would be her new home. She came off the trailer, gave a cry to let the other horses know she had arrived and I turned her out into a little paddock on her own, with 3 horses in the next paddock for company. She made friends straight away with an ex racer, a gelding much like her old companion. She had a little bit of a trot and a buck but was just so keen to meet the neighbours which was lovely to see, considering one of them was a mare. I left her under the supervision of YO and friends as I went to get my other horse. When I got back I saw a sight that made my heart melt, she was curled up in the mud, not bothered at all by the wet or the cold, or that she was in the paddock alone, she finally felt comfortable enough to relax and sleep, this literally within a few hours of arriving at her new home!
Pony doing what ponies do best!
A couple of her and Caspar, they are enjoying growing older in eachothers company
18 months later and she is still there. She now shares a paddock with my other horse Millie and that kind gelding that she set her eyes on, on her first day. She practically skips out of her stable in the morning, ready for the day ahead! She still worries about me and others at the farm, I had a reiki healer spend some time with her and she told me she feels she needs to be ‘grandma’, she thinks it’s her job to look after everyone and I had to tell her that I am strong enough to look after myself now. I know she doesn’t believe me though, she hugs me most days and often whickers into my neck but I like it that way.
I promise you my sweet little girl, you’ll never be unhappy again. xx
Most of what is written in the next few paragraphs is what I was told by an overwhelming response to a 'do you know this pony' type ad in your horse mag a few years back. Some were well wishers but most were to 'warn me' of her. Shame they never got to know the real pony
This pony was destined for the big time, she had been bred in a reputable showing yard and was going to be a riding pony competing at county level and qualifying for HOYS and such like, things were looking bright for this gorgeous dark bay foal. Until a slight fault in her conformation was noticed, one of her front hooves pointed in slightly, although to the average horse lover it’s unnoticeable, a judge will pick it up straight away. Her breeder kept her until she was old enough to be a broodmare and used her to breed the foal she was meant to be, and then she was swiftly sold on.
Panache turned up at her new home, this time she was going to be jumping with a young girl on board. She did very well, the girl was a strong enough rider to control her speed but light enough for her to clear jumps with ease, she was soon JA graded but was jumped constantly and she became stale, then the bucking began. The girl started to struggle to stay onboard as Panache would simply turn herself inside out at the sight of a jump, she was very obviously unhappy but no one was listening to her. She was still taken out every weekend and if she refused to jump she was punished, in the most unorthodox way of trying to pull her by her ears (to this day if she is being worked her ears cannot be touched, she violently pulls away) She started to buck as soon as a saddle was put on her back, she knew what was coming and she was trying to tell her owners she couldn’t cope anymore but they just wouldn’t listen, Panache had a job to win them money and her say didn’t count. Obviously the winnings stopped coming in, and so she was sold on, pretty much unrideable by this point.
Back in the showing circuit but at a lower level, this is where she would shine! Unfortunately again, it was not meant to be. Panache was struggling being worked and would fight everything that was asked of her, she lost any top line and all muscle and didn’t have a spare ounce of fat on her. As her new owners couldn’t work her properly she was kept in a stable with a brick floor and no bedding, this way they completely controlled her weight with what she ate….. and so the manic cribbing began. She would swing off her stable door all day, every day, doing serious damage to her teeth, not the sort of pony they wanted seen on their yard and so once again she was sold on.
This time she was to go into a riding school environment, she was bought for pennies. But this is where her life was to change; this is where I met my first pony. It was back in 1996 I first met her, I was in awe of how pretty and shiny she was, such kind eyes but sad at the same time. I wasn’t allowed to ride her, she was for experienced riders only but I used to spend hours just talking to her whilst she grazed, stroking her neck and whispering into ear. Yet again she soon became disliked, very few people could sit her almighty bucks and she quickly became ‘that’ pony that no one wanted to ride. She was handed to me to care for, a kind of full loan without any expense, a teenagers dream come true!
When I first met her in 1996
Fluffy pony!! 1997
The next 2 years was a struggle, she was kept in a stable so small she couldn’t lie down, I was warned not to muck her out as she wouldn’t have a new bed laid, she would have to sleep on brick once again. She would get shouted and screamed at by her owner and grooms for cribbing, she was unloved and the only time she got affection was when I was with her. I would wrap my arms around her neck and bury my face in her coat and she would wrap her head around me, she just desperately needed someone to stop and listen to her, she wanted to talk so badly.
Her owner announced to me he was selling her, she wasn’t earning the riding school any money and was ‘a waste of space’. He was a very old fashioned man, very set in his ways and Panache would go to whoever would buy her at the best price and if that’s was meat price im sure she would have gone. I cried and cried at the thought of her leaving my life, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t study, I was scared every night that I would go to her stable and she wouldn’t be there. I must have appealed to his humanity, as he sold her to me at a price I could afford (not much for a 16yr old who’d left school only a few months before)
In the summer of 1997
As soon as I could I moved Panache from the riding school to a livery yard down the end of my road. Everybody fell in love with her and I was often having younger girls ask to ride her (you know the sort, all the confidence in the world) and with their parents permission I let them. They would spend hours grooming her and bathing her in the summer and she loved it. She found confidence in herself and soon become top mare.
Whilst she was there I found myself a job an RS close by and was offered to take Panache with me. It was nice being around her all day and although the set up wasn’t ideal for most horses (very limited turnout) she seemed to be happy enough. The only problem was her cribbing, once again it became apparent that this is something professional yards don’t want seen. This was 10 years ago and I didn’t know any better and am ashamed to say on my boss’ advice I bought an anti-crib collar, I never put it on her though. I had a phone call one Sunday afternoon (my day off) to tell me Panache had had a scare, someone had put the collar on her but didn’t fit it correctly, it slipped round her throat and clamped shut around her windpipe. Someone heard the commotion as she panicked in the stable and ran to get the manager. The manager grabbed a knife to cut the thick webbing strap but it was so tight, it was a real struggle. Panic set in as her tongue and gums turned blue, as she was suffocating she went still, which gave the extra room cut the strap. As it was freed Panache gave a big gasp and got up, by this time the vet was on their way. As it happens she was fine, seemed completely unscathed by the incident. I knew it was time to move on and handed in my notice, taking her back to her previous yard a week later and back to her old friends.
You talking to me? 1999
About 2 years later her field companions moved yards and that left me with a problem. Everyone else had their appointed paddocks and didn't want Panache in with them or to move one of theirs to keep her company so she was to be turned out alone. This upset her greatly, she would pace the fenceline calling all day and the only time she would be calm was when she was in her stable, so this is where she spent most of the next 2 weeks. I was franticly looking for a new yard for her when I was approached by another girl on the yard who was bringing a new Arab mare, Acrista, up at the weekend.
This mare was dominant, a typical 'stroppy mare' who was very fussy about equine companions but it was our only shot. To our surprise they seemed to have an understanding of each other, almost like they were destined to meet each other and quickly created a pair bond. For the next 18 months Panache and Acrista were inseparable, they were stabled next to each other, ridden together, groomed together, bathed together (not all necessarily on purpose, it just happened that myself and Acrista's owner worked for the same company so often had the same time off) but then some bad news came, Acrista suddenly became ill and very sadly had to be pts. Panache was beside herself, I would gets calls at all times of the day from other owners concerned about her, she stopped eating and would spend all day, everyday cribbing just in her own little world, her spark gone once again. She was grieving for Acrista and I didn't know how to help her.
I decided the only thing to do was move yards and so the pair of us went from pillar to post to find a yard we were happy in. Finally she came with me to the event yard I worked at in East Sussex, oh she did look funny turned out with the eventers, with her skinny little pins and big tum! She lived out for the summer in a field about 4 acres, with one of the eventers for company during the day and another in the field next to her at night. I used to hack her out onto Ashdown Forest in an attempt to keep her weight down, as I had no choice but for her to live out and she seemed to enjoy this. She used to love to race across the bottom field and surprised others with her speed, she would be right up front with the eventers and if they got too close she would let out a squeal and a buck to let them know she was leader! Things were good for the next few months but winter was looming and Panache cant cope with the elements, she needed a stable and there weren't any available and so the search began again.
I worked part time in a little country pub and was mentioning to a colleague my situation, as it happens she rode and knew of a space coming up at her yard, quite local to me. At last something was easy for us! I went and had a look round that week and met the owner, it was a big working farm with 40 stables and 4 huge fields, one for geldings and one for mares and were rotated. Panache had lived in a big herd before at the riding school and this wasn't a problem for us so we moved in pronto!
Once again she melted everybody’s heart, the children would ask to ride her and I would always walk round the corner to find someone making a fuss of her, she was in her element, in a corner stable in the indoor barn so everyone had to pass her, she could play 'snatch and grab' with peoples hay to her hearts content! For a year or so we were both very happy at this yard, by this time I had taken my colleagues horse on loan, which was much to Panache’s disgust at first, she wasn't used to sharing her mum! So I made the decision to get a sharer for her, I had gained weight by now and it was unfair for me to continue riding her and my loan horse demanded a lot of my attention, as she was quite nervous and completely unschooled.
With one of her little friends that she took for rides around the farm
I put an advert in the local free-ads "13.3hh NFx needs some exercise and TLC, not a novice ride!" and that same evening I received a call from a woman with a 12 year old daughter who lived close to the yard and were desperate to meet us. The next day she came up and spent the day with Panache. All was well, she rode her confidently in the school and spent ages grooming her. She then mucked her out and was keen to learn about her feeds, hay and general routine. I was over the moon that Panache was going to get the attention she so deserved! But unfortunately it wasn't to last.
I had got a couple of phone calls to say there was a stranger handling Panache on the yard, I was at work and couldn't get up there so asked them to find out who it was. It turned out to be a friend of the sharer, another young girl. The sharer couldn't make it up the yard but rather than call me, she called a friend who lived down the road to do Panache’s evening duties. I was furious! I called the sharers mum and asked what was going on! She assured me that her daughter made a responsible decision in picking one of her friends to do Panache, as this friend rode at a local school and was capable of looking after 'a simple pony like mine'. How on earth I retained my cool I don't know, but I met with the sharer and her mum the next day. I explained that no-one is to handle Panache other than themselves and if they are unable to do their day at short notice, they are to call me and I will make arrangements for her and not themselves! As this was the first time they had made a mistake and up until now I was really pleased with the work she was doing with Panache, I kept to our agreement but that was my mistake…
A few week later on a Sunday morning I had parked my car and was walking up to the yard when a couple of people pointed out Panache was very restless and obviously distressed but they couldn't see anything obviously wrong with her. I slowly approached her stable as to not disturb her, to see what she was doing and I found her with her nose down on the stable floor and almost spinning round in circles, I guess I could describe it as extreme box walking. I called her name and she stopped, called and rushed over to me, head on my shoulder, I could almost hear her say 'thank goodness you’re here!'. I looked around her stable to see what had distressed her so much, the only thing I could see was that there was no food bowl from her tea the night before but then I thought her sharer must have put it away. I went to her feed bins to check and walked past the hay soaker, where to my dismay I found her 2 haynets where I had left them Saturday morning! My poor girl had been put to bed with nothing to eat at all and this had obviously brought panic to her from her previous experiences of being starved. I gave her a very small feed (I didn’t want to cause colic by giving her a full feed as she would’ve eaten it too quick) and a little armful of hay and walked away to calm down. I went to my car, picked up my phone to call my best friend and just burst into tears, I had really let her down with my bad judgment.
Panache was happy enough being semi retired, she was indifferent about working and used to enjoy a blast on the lunge but really she was my pet. She loved cuddles and just being around people in general and not particularly fussed about turn out, she very much loves her creature comforts!
One evening I was doing a late shift in the pub when about 9.30 I got a voicemail from a good friend who was putting Panache to bed for me, she asked me to call her as something had happened to Panache. I instantly felt sick, my stomach felt like it had a tonne of lead inside it, my heart started racing and I could barely hold my phone calling back I was shaking so much. I went into the office to take the call…..
It was all a bit of a blur from then on, but from what I can remember my friend had gone to get Panache in from the field but she was no where to be seen. This was unusual as she often waited by the gate when she knew it was time for bed, so she called her name. She heard her cry back, almost a scream but still she didn’t appear over the hill. My friend went across the field, worried by this point as this was so out of character for her and she wasn't expecting what greeted her. Panache had been cornered by the other mares in the field and they were attacking her like their lives depended on it. Panache is only little, has skinny little legs and is unshod, compared to fit, young thoroughbred and cobby types all with full sets of shoes, so even if she had the courage to fight back she would have been no match. When she saw my friend she let out another cry, obviously begging for her help. She ran down across the field screaming at the other mares to get off her but they weren't intimidated. I believe she had to use the rope and grab a whip to fight the mares back off of her. She grabbed Panache and headed towards the gate. My once dark bay pony was now white with foamy sweat, eyes wild and just cried out constantly. She got her onto the yard and looked over her cuts and bumps, she treated them the best she could but Panache was in a state of shock and terror. I could hear her making the most horrific screams whilst I was talking to my friend, deciding the best thing to do for her.
At this point I'm holding back the tears, trying to think calmly. Thank goodness my friend is a voice of reason in these situations. Panache was trembling and box walking, understandably unable to settle. My friend waited with her until she could get a close look at her wounds. Luckily it didn’t look serious, lots of chunks of hair missing and a few bloody wounds but no serious bleeding. My friend stayed with her until she finally settled, gave her some hay, dressed her wounds and left her for the night. I didn’t sleep a wink that night, desperately waiting for 5.30am to come so I could comfort my girl. I was the only one up the yard and ran to her stable. Her coat was dull and matted in places from the sweat, and her wounds look nasty. I went in the stable slowly and I swear if she could have jumped in my arms she would have. I cried my heart out once again (my eyes are even welling up writing this) I cleaned her wounds and decided I would leave her a day before making a decision on whether to call the vet. (One or two of these wounds was no problem but the worry was that she had them dotted all over her) She stayed in for the next 24hrs and everyone kept watch over her. She would call out constantly, was very sore and incredibly frightened but physically she would be ok…..but it would leave her mentally scarred and the coming months were to prove the hardest for me and her.
Panache's wounds started to heal and she stopped wincing at her back being touched. The heat in her legs disappeared and the swellings were going down. I kept her on boxrest until she was healed and until the yard owners found somewhere for her to go, everyone agreed she couldn't go back with the mares.
Millie, Panache and I in happier days before her run in with the mares
There was an ex-racehorse gelding who belonged to my friend who rescued Panache that night, he had a paddock to himself as he used to get hurt out with the geldings, he simply had no social skills and wasn’t his fault bless him. He recently lost his companion so this was my only option, I had to put her out with the playful ex-racehorse and hope she could cope.
As it was they had a very strong bond and quickly became inseparable. When she was with him she very happy, she would play with him and teach him the skills he would need to survive in the herd. (Basically she was a typical nagging older woman!) They would be turned out together and brought in together, groomed together, shod together. Nottie made her feel safe and I was relieved to see her relax with him, unfortunately in her stable it was a different story. Panache started having nightmares (I didn't know horses could suffer with them), I would get calls telling me to get to the yard and I'd find Panache lying in her stable in the middle of the day making that same awful sound the day she was attacked. Her eyes were fully closed and she was lying flat but she was sweaty and obviously distressed but was in such a deep sleep it was hard to wake her. At times there would be 2 or 3 of us standing at her door, banging and yelling her name to wake her but she didn't respond until I went in and touched her, which was risky as she would naturally jump up in shock but it was too distressing to see her in that state time and time again. It also became common for her to call all the time she was in, almost as if she was scared to be left alone and I hated leaving her knowing she may have another nightmare, it was almost as if she was re-living it time after time, it was so strong in her mind that the event was starting to totally control her. I called the vet but they pretty much laughed me off, they came to see her and gave her a pony MOT and said physically she was fine (I was pleased to hear this as started to believe maybe she was having fits) and it was all inside her head and that basically she'd 'get over it eventually'. But things didn't improve, soon she was at a point where the only time she would be quiet is when she was with Nottie or myself and my friend. We were the only ones she would trust to protect her but I knew this was no way for her to live her life, I had to understand what she was going through, I had to get inside her head, I had to talk to her…….
A few weeks later and the behaviour continued. I was at the yard killing time on my day off when a fellow livery came down the yard and looked very please to see me. She told me 'panache wants to talk, she wants someone to listen to her' I was rather confused as you can imagine then she explained that she had Caroline, a cosmic healer, up to look at her mare. Apparently she had been walking round the yard just meeting all the horses when she was drawn to Panache, she wanted to talk to Caroline.
At first I wasn't sure what to make of it but then it occurred to me that Caroline didn't know I was at the yard so I felt confident she wasn't just trying to make money and I had a bit of change in my car so asked her to spend half an hour with her.
Panache stood quietly in her stable whilst Caroline stood back by the door and spoke to her, she held her arms open and whispered to her whilst a good friend of hers (also a healer but she sees emotion and physical objects compared to Caroline who seems to feel and channel emotion). Her friend could see red on Panache's quarters but wasn't sure what it was. She asked Panache to show her and with that I felt a horrible pain shoot through my stomach, I felt sick and in agony and in an instant and collapsed and slid down the stable wall. It passed as quick as it came and I was left speechless and embarrassed until I was told what she saw…….Panache showed her how she had been killed in a previous life by a cannon through her hind legs and quarters, when she was a warhorse.
I was shaking by now, not really understanding what was happening to me or my beloved pony. Panache then started to 'drink'. (She had no water and hadn't moved a muscle, but you could 'see' water going past her throat and down her neck in gulps) and continued to do so for a few minutes, the whole time Caroline very quietly talking to her. I don't know what Caroline was saying to her, she was whispering so quietly, but I could hear her friend telling Panache it was ok, she was safe now and can let go. At this point Panache looked at Caroline and started nodding at her, seemingly understanding what they were telling her. Caroline smiled and held open her arms to take her pain away and then something simply amazing happened…..
Carolines friends let out an almighty cry, it didn't sound human. She collapsed to the ground sobbing uncontrollably and myself and the fellow livery were very concerned. We held her and supported her up as she wanted to stay with Panache and as we looked over the door Panache had her eyes closed and was down on one knee (I just want to stress that at no point did anyone touch her). Caroline continued to encourage her and then I also found myself sobbing. Panache then went down on to 2 knees and I felt a huge wave of sadness come over me, like nothing I've ever felt or experienced before but I tried to fight it (I'm not very good at wearing my heart on my sleeve) I tried to hold back the tears I couldn't explain and with that Panache jumped up, eyes and nostrils wide and looking straight at me.
Caroline decided to leave her at this point and asked us all to come away and let her be alone so we went and sat outside the stable block and she explained everything to us…..
She said that Panache had a lot of grief and sadness she was holding on to, which she has carried with her through all her lives, but she was carrying mine too. Caroline asked me if something was upsetting me and, at that time in my life, I was going through some sad experiences. Caroline smiled and gave me a hug, she told me that Panache felt every ounce of pain I was feeling and she was 'holding on to it' to take it away from me, Panache felt the need to protect me as she had done for many years.
The sound that her friend had made was Panache crying. Horses hold just as much emotion as we do but we can cry, we can sob, we can scream and let it all out but she can't so she channelled through Carolines friend, she needed to cry and needed to be heard.
Caroline also explained to me that when a horse is totally relaxed, totally safe, totally comfortable they slowly lie down, releasing any bad emotion they may be holding on to. As Panache only went half way (she picked up on me fighting the tears and panicked) she is still holding on to some, but had made great progress.
At least now I understood why the mares attacked her, Panache was desperately needing to release and they sensed a change in her. She had become weak emotionally and the herd instinct was to get her out the herd, just as they would in the wild. My poor little girl.
Caroline told me to go and be with someone and not to leave the sofa or bed for a few hours, to cry when I felt I should cry and not be afraid of my emotions as they are Panache's too.
She hugged me again before she left and I remembered something she had said earlier, I asked her how she knew I'd had Panache for a long time when she commented that she had protected me for many years, she told me that Panache and I had shared more years than I'd ever now and that she remembers them.
At sometime, in years before I was born, Panache and I had been together and she had protected me then and she is in my life to do the same for me now, so when I say this pony is special ……she really is.
Panache continued day to day and slowly came back to her old self. She got her spring back in her step and became calm in her stable again. I promised her that I would never let anyone hurt her again and vowed she was with me for life.
A year or so later I became quite ill and Panaches behaviour changed. Before I even knew I was poorly, Panache has started whickering into my tummy and would throw herself at her stable door if someone walked past when I was in there with her. This lasted a couple of days and confused I wondered whether her insecurities were coming back. The next morning I got up before work to go to the yard but Panache seemed adamant that I wasn't to leave her, she put her head in front of my torso when I tried to walk out her stable and dragged her heels being turned out. All of a sudden I became violently sick. Another livery took Panache from me and I got myself home and spent the day in bed. The next day I felt no better and called on a livery to turn out Panache for me and asked for an update on her behaviour. I was assured she was fine, a little restless but we thought that was due to the weather changing. I was to be off work for the next 5 weeks with chronic stomach pains and was unable to eat but the doctors were baffled. I had all sorts of tests and specialists see me, a few trips to the hospital but no answers. I was getting very bored by now and insisted family and friends were to take me up the yard. Panaches behaviour was just the same, protective and possessive over me and always putting her head in front of my torso. I found out later that I has shingles but on the inside of my stomach! Panache had known all the long that something was wrong and wasn't stopping me from leaving, just trying to shield the area she knew wasn't healthy. It wasn't even me that picked up on this, it was other liveries who saw her behaviour change with me and suggested it to me. To this day Panache knows it causes me pain still in my arm (it affected all my nerves on my left hand side) and often will smell, snort and whicker that side of my body. I don't blame anyone for thinking this is all just coincidence and me seeing what I want to see, maybe it is. But it makes or bond closer whether its real or not.
Humouring me at christmas
A month later I had some bad news, the paddock that Panache and her companion share didn't belong to the farm and the owners were taking away the use of it with immediate effect. She had nowhere to go.
Her companion was re-introduced to the geldings and the hunt was on to find somewhere for Panache. I called every yard in the area and even put an advert for her on project horses (I convinced myself she was better going to a new owner than staying with me, when I obviously couldn't give her the environment she needed) During this time she spent 2 weeks in her stable. Awful I know and I feel so terrible about it but I couldn't bear to put her back out with those mares. I walked her out everyday and took her to graze inhand but I knew this wasn't an answer. Nowhere had space for her and I had no responses to her advert (a blessing now) and after lots of discussions with other liveries I decided I had no choice but to turn her back out with the big herd. I turned her out early and watched for a while as she grazed with the other older pony and the others seemed happy to ignore her. I went back to the yard to muck out when I heard a yell and the sound of hooves on concrete..... as someone has gone to turnout their mare Panache had taken the opportunity to barge through the gate and put herself back in her stable. I tried again the next day, turning her out at lunchtime thinking it would be better for her to have half a day but when I went to get her in she was throwing herself at the gate desperate to get out. Another week of staying in her stable followed then I wanted to try one last time as still had nowhere else to go. This time as I turned her out she stood at the gate and cried so loud, I swear begging me to bring her back and with tears rolling down my face I went to get her and that was the last time she ever went into that field. Interestingly, the mares had no interest in her but she was obviously and understandably petrified still and the memories still strong.
By this time I had a weekend job working at a little smallholding which had stables and grazing. I had spent mornings working there and weekends looking at yards and was getting desperate. I decided to bite the bullet and ask the owner if she would consider another livery and thankfully she said yes and told me I could bring my other horse too! 2 weeks later Panache was loaded in the trailer and we were off to what I was hoping would be her new home. She came off the trailer, gave a cry to let the other horses know she had arrived and I turned her out into a little paddock on her own, with 3 horses in the next paddock for company. She made friends straight away with an ex racer, a gelding much like her old companion. She had a little bit of a trot and a buck but was just so keen to meet the neighbours which was lovely to see, considering one of them was a mare. I left her under the supervision of YO and friends as I went to get my other horse. When I got back I saw a sight that made my heart melt, she was curled up in the mud, not bothered at all by the wet or the cold, or that she was in the paddock alone, she finally felt comfortable enough to relax and sleep, this literally within a few hours of arriving at her new home!
Pony doing what ponies do best!
A couple of her and Caspar, they are enjoying growing older in eachothers company
18 months later and she is still there. She now shares a paddock with my other horse Millie and that kind gelding that she set her eyes on, on her first day. She practically skips out of her stable in the morning, ready for the day ahead! She still worries about me and others at the farm, I had a reiki healer spend some time with her and she told me she feels she needs to be ‘grandma’, she thinks it’s her job to look after everyone and I had to tell her that I am strong enough to look after myself now. I know she doesn’t believe me though, she hugs me most days and often whickers into my neck but I like it that way.
I promise you my sweet little girl, you’ll never be unhappy again. xx
