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Post by beksnjake on Dec 17, 2012 19:50:39 GMT
L.R.D snorted at Corporal Quinn "Sloe gin?? I don't think so this time" Corporal Quinn looked perplexed, "sorry my dear, I don't quite get. . . . . " "Oh for pity's sake man, take a sniff of the free sample of wool Poshnbeks got from the Stepford Knitting Circle"
Taking a quick sniff whilst smiling happily to himself "she called me MAN, she must like me a bit" he thought, then the pungent odour caught his full attention "WOAH - THAT'S GHASTLY" Corporal Quinn squealed "IT'S JUST LIKE. . . . . . . . . .
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Post by snigsby on Dec 18, 2012 9:26:45 GMT
(Kas,I don't know how to make small letters on here but just imagine I am whispering LOL - Jonty solving the mystery would be good.)
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Post by kas on Dec 22, 2012 11:14:44 GMT
Corporal Quinn and L.R.D. came to in a large, windowless barn. A friendly looking coloured horse was standing over them anxiously. "Oh no! They got you too!" whickered Cornish Pasty. "It's the rugs! The rugs!!". L.R.D. snorted anxiously as she realised that there were other horses she recognised in the barn. "Let me straighten them darn rugs for you," Fat Farelli materialised beside them "don't want you getting too lively do we?"
Meanwhile Poshnbecks stared at Corporal Quinn in amazement as he knelt down in front of her and waiting for her to climb into the saddle. "The last thing I remember was Belinda helping me with a dropped stitch, how did get here? Why is Quinn being so... lovely... but... odd???".
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Post by kas on Dec 25, 2012 12:50:06 GMT
Kos was on her knees in front of the Two Chesnuts practically sobbing. "Look! Lovely rugs, I knitted them for you specially! Won't you at least try them on?? Everyone else can rug their horses, I'm just useless... sniffle...". "Stuff that!" whickered Fin, "They smell bloody wierd! I don't like a rug at the best of times, but those aren't coming anywhere near my fat trim little bod. Step away from the rug Celebrideee, don't give in!!". Celebrideee obliged with a snort and a sidle and a mane toss. Fin was older and wiser than him, he'd Been Around. Tee Pee couldn't contain her snickering. Stupid Araby things. She had never been rugged. She laughed in the face of rugs! Then her eyes widened and she started to back smartly off as Kos approached her with a winning smile. "Tee Pee, I knitted you a lovely scarf...".
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Post by kas on Dec 25, 2012 13:09:13 GMT
Khan't peered around the barn anxiously. He'd woken up with a start and found himself indoors, when his last memory had been of Belinda Farelli tossing her shiney locks at him (We're worth it...) (Arabs are a sucker for a toss of shiney locks...) and offering him a beautiful rug that she said had been knitted for him by Snags. Sadly Snags wasn't that great a knitter, and it appeared that it had only taken one small snag of one tiny bit of yarn on the smallest bit of a bolt in the barn... and the rug had unravelled so quickly it was now a heap of wool around his hooves. Khan't couldn't believe how many horses were in the barn, most of them familar. And yet, they were snoozing happily side by side, all wearing wonderful Farrelli Rugs. There was the famous Cornish Pasty, and yes, Corporal Quinn and his new object of desire L.R.D. Surely he could see Irma Tenchents's Baby Coy in the corner. And was that Ru-di over there? Froggy's amazing spanish horse? What was going on? Footsteps approached the doord and they slid open to admit Fat and Belinda. Khan't edged back behind the biggest horse he could see, which was Drusilla's Knockbackanale and twitched his ears in their direction. "Blah.. blah... blah... worth a lot of money... blah... blah... blah... riding schools..." he knew he was listening to Fat because this was accompanied by the chink of glass against bottle. "Blah... blah... blah... take over The World of Horsemanship... blah... blah... blah... at last we've got a cult... blah... blah... blah." Any horse worth his salt would know that Belinda was in the barn, the smell of Eau Du Farelli was overwhelming. "Riding Schools!!!" gasped Khan't and he felt a bit of a Araby Quiver starting to work it's way up his legs.
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Post by kas on Dec 25, 2012 13:22:59 GMT
El Stalliano Diaboloso and Philip Spry (fuckin' legend) skidded to a halt in the yard at Silverend kicking up a massive cloud of dust that completely obliterated the small stout pony and his rider. Nix put her feet down and let BB scuttle out from under her, leaving him to march suspiciously up to El Stalliano giving him an "'Ere Jimmy!" sort of look. Stove and Irma raced over, wondering what the heck was happening that was so important that it had to interrupt a viewing of The Lord of the Rings. "I'm hearing some wierd shit about goings on in Stepford!" announced Philip "Aaaaooooooh! Oh damn, sorry about that, that steak is repeating on me". Irma drew herself up to her full height, which didn't make much impact really as Philip was still sitting on El Stalliano and she didn't have much height to start with. "Phillip! No wonder Ginny won't let you out of her sight. You know you're not meant to have steak!" she wagged a finger at him disapprovingly. "He's right though! We've just come from Stepford and there's strange goings on in that place!" Nix couldn't contain herself. "If it wasn't for this great little pony here I'd still be incarcerated in a barn". At that point the theme tune from Bonanza rang out and Stove pulled his mobile out of his pocket. "Strewth! It's Jonty Robarts!" he exclaimed as he hit the button.
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Post by beksnjake on Dec 26, 2012 13:07:00 GMT
"Stove, its Jonty"
"Good day mate, what can I do for you?"
"Stove I need your help, there's something very wrong here in Stepford" whispered Jonty in hushed tones "It's Fat Farelli, he's running a cult and I've worked out how he's . . . . . . "
Suddenly the phone went dead.
"Strewth" exclaimed Stove "looks like you were right Philip (fuckin' legend) Spry, Fat Farelli is up to something and Jonty needs our help. Irma put LOTR on pause, we got to leave NOW"
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Post by nicxf on Jan 3, 2013 15:46:52 GMT
Nix had finished coughing up dust, and, hobbling slightly as her knees gradually un-stiffened after the ride on BB, made her way over to the action.
"Um" she said, "I think I know a good place to start looking. If we can detach BB from trying to flirt with El Stalliano Diaboloso I'm sure he can remember the way back to the stable he rescued me from...."
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Post by kas on Jan 3, 2013 17:41:54 GMT
Jonty brought out his magnifying glass and deerstalker hat. He knelt on the ground and examined a suspicious patch. "Does this look like oil? Since when did horses leave oil behind them rather than much larger objects??". Stove pushed his hat back and scratched his hat thoughtfully. "Phil? Nix? What do you make of it?". Over in the town hall clock tower there was a creaking noise as a shutter was pushed back and the lens of a Farelli telescope appeared. "Faaat! Faaat!"screeched Belinda "I think we got trouble!" Down below Phil Nye (fuckin' legend) pricked up his ears and sniffed the air.
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Post by kas on Feb 14, 2013 22:47:20 GMT
"I can smell something darn wierd!" exclaimed Phil (fuckin' legend) "what do you think El Stalliano?". He turned and fell back in astonishment as the sight that greeted him. Surrounded by a cloud of dust, El Stalliano was making a valiant attempt at Gangam Style, accompanied by BB on the fiddle, skipping happily around his mighty hooves. "Oi you two!" Jonty Robarts waved a Weely Wop around his head in an assertive fashion "quit that suspect Boys Dancing Together stuff and get over here to do some sniffing for us. We need an animal to track down this here scent!". "Dammit he's right, get your hairy arses over here pronto!" Stove Tencents drew himself up to his full height. "Only an animal can track down where this is coming from for us". He turned as he heard a sniffing sound behind him, only to see Phil Nye (fuckin' legend) setting off in the direction of the Town Hall with his nose to the ground. "Er, OK then, as you were." Stove dallied up his Soft Ropes and Stiff Rope and set off after Phil. "Come on Jonty, keep up!". "I won't be a minute, I just need to dash into the cottage" yelled Jonty, rushing up his quaint crazy paved garden path. Well, he was a gentleman of Advancing Years, and who knew where the next conveniences might be found?
Kind of sweet to see that we aren't the only people trying to write a bestseller that have latched on to the name Jonty innit?
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Post by kas on Feb 14, 2013 22:57:56 GMT
Fat and Belinda had a plan, and they were Prepared to take the Time it Takes and employ some Perfect Positive Preparation in order to make sure it worked. At every window of the Town Hall there was a Farelli-ite, and behind them a pile of Farelli hand-knitted rugs. Belinda hung gamely at the end of a pulley, a basket of rugs around her ample middle, with Pat hanging off a balcony controlling the end of the rope. She applied lippy frantically in anticipation of the battle to come. "Faaat!" she screeched "are you sure those Silverendies are out of our heavily dyed and backcombed hair?". "Fer sure Belinda" Fat assured her, "and that pesky Nellie Stains is with them. Nobody is going to interfere with our Perfect Plan!". He was right, downstairs in the sitting room the only sound was the gentle clicking of knitting needles. Nellie, Kos, Snags, Poshnbecks, Irma and the rest of the gang sat knitting in a stupor. Eyes half shut, silly smiles on their faces, Farreli badges hung about their persons, they knitted away, all the time breathing in the strange and sleep-inducing aroma of Farreli First Class Yarn. In a dark corner, even David Mellons wielded the needles. Boy had his plan to win over some ladies gone wrong! Outside the window Celebridee and Fin ran about in anxious circles, pausing every now and then while Fin nickered through the window to Kos, to no effect. They hadn't seen Tee Pee since Kos had wrapped her scarf around her neck, and now Kos wasn't talking to them. What to do? What to do? Scuttle... scuttle... They both became aware of the quiet squeaking noise at the same time, and turned to see a semi-circle of horses coming towards them. Horses that looked strangely familiar, and yet not. Horses that were strangely calm. Horses that were perfectly in step. Horses that dripped oil every now and then...
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Post by kas on Feb 14, 2013 23:09:41 GMT
Phil (fuckin legend), Stove, Nix, El Stalliano and BB crept around the Town Hall, hugging the walls for cover. Behind them came a rattling of spurs as Cartouche White and Mike Hildenrasher scurried up behind them. "Chink, chink, chink!"... What the F??" exclaimed Stove "Could you two make much more noise??". "We thought you could do with some help! You never know when a good set of rowel spurs could come in handy!" exclaimed Cartouche. "Ma Akido skills are at your disposal!" Mike waved his hands expressively in the air. Stove sighed deeply. "Jeez, that's great guys, but... bugger! Do you have to be so... LOUD?". Whatever Mike Hildenrasher and Cartouche White might have had to say to that will never be known. At that moment a horde of Farelli-ites let loose with a barrage of Farrelli Hand-knitted best, and all collapsed in a stupor under a hail of rugs. El Stalliano spun and reared, and for a moment it looked as if he might escape - but no! With a squeaking of cogs and spindles Fat swung Belinda around at the end of the beam, she dug her hands deep into her basket of rugs and flung them over the great horse. He heaved one deep sigh and fell on top of Stove.
Back at the cottage there was a sound of flushing, then a tap running, and Jonty emerged, wiping his hands thoroughly on a fluffy pink towel. (One of Nellie's, she'd have decked him if she'd known).
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Post by kas on Feb 15, 2013 18:03:41 GMT
Jonty draped the towel over the white painted picket fence (all cute cottages have a white painted picket fence) then did a theatrical double-take and grabbed it back up again as a mental image of a wrathful Nellie came into his head. As he turned to go back into the cottage to hang it up nicely he heard some muffled shrieks and thumping noises coming from the direction of the Town Hall. Spinning around he froze at the sight of Farelli-ites leaping from windows waving Parsnip Wands and shrieking "Faaaty" Faaaty!" as they pounced on what appeared to be a very big pile of knitted rugs laying in the dust. Jonty started towards the scene cautiously, clutching the towel to his chest. What could be going on? The Town Hall doors were thrown open with a crash and Fat Farelli emerged in all of his be-chapped glory. Smoking a ceegar and laughing heartily. Jonty wisely flung himself into the nearest hedge out of sight and peered out through the foliage. "Git them all tied up with yer Farelli Fifty Foot lines (which actually measure 39 feet but Fifty Foot has more F's in it) and hitch them up to those ponies." The Farelli-ites scurried about to do Fat's bidding, securing the bundles of rugs up tightly and tying off the ropes around the necks of a strangely co-operative trio of quarter horses. "What in heavens is going on?" Jonty muttered to himself. The group moved away, dragging the bundles with them. As they vanished around the corner of the Town Hall towards the barns a solitary white hat rolled out from one of the bundles and came to rest forlorn against a hitchin' post. Jonty squawked in alarm. "Stove's hat!!". (Cue dramatic drum roll and that music that goes Dah dah dahhhh!)
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Post by el on Feb 16, 2013 9:27:41 GMT
Love it!!
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Post by quest on Feb 16, 2013 18:06:17 GMT
Oh el, I was all on fire and waiting for and fantastic input from you
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