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Post by kas on Feb 16, 2013 19:04:11 GMT
Me too! OK then...
Belinda emerged from the Town Hall, sporting a Jedward-style (as a result of dangling upside down from a gantry!). Together she and Fat headed after the Farelli-ites, who whooped and skipped and twirled their Parsnip Wands and Fatty Strings around in the air.
Jonty put the towel over his head (I'm not sure why dear reader) and proceeded to scuttle out from the bush crabwise, keeping low to the ground and with many changes of direction and nose-dives into the dust when he thought someone might turn round he made his way up the street. Proceeding in this fashion he made it to the front of the Town Hall, and picked up Stove's white hat out of the dust. "Oh Stove!" Jonty sighed "how am I going to manage this without you? There are times when Six Foot Six and Seven Eighths would come in really handy." A tumbleweed spun down the deserted High Street as Jonty peered out anxiously from under the towel, turning Stove's hat round and round in his hands. Then, in the background, he became aware of a steady tapping noise coming from one of the Town Hall windows. He scurried over and cautiously peered in. There they were - all the familiar faces - smiling gently to themselves and knitting. And, hold on, there in the corner - Nellie Stains and Dave Mellons propped back to back gently snoring. Jonty jumped up and down in excitement and knocked loudly on the window. "Nellie! Dave! Lee! Snags! I need help out here!!". There was no response, the needles clicked on.
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Post by kas on Feb 16, 2013 19:09:37 GMT
Racing round through the Town Hall door Jonty found his way into the knitting room. He shook Nellie smartly by the shoulder, but all that happened was that she toppled slowly over sideways, taking Dave Mellons with her. "WTF??" thought Jonty (he wouldn't say that, he's too polite). Turning to Poshnbecks he tried to take the knitting out of her hands, but she clung on and a short but desperate tussle ensued. Jonty fell back in alarm as Poshnbecks carried on knitting as if nothing had happened. Jonty wrung his hands in anguish. Then, with a guilty start he realised he was still holding Stove's hat, and it would never be quite the same again. Dropping the hat smartly Jonty decided to go and see if he could find out what was happening in the barn.
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Post by snigsby on Feb 17, 2013 10:13:36 GMT
"Hurry up" whispered El Stalliano bossily. "The fence is only 7 feet tall, I could jump twice that". "And we need to get in to the barn and see what we can do for our snoring friends in there."
"Yeah,yeah" muttered BB under his breath as he anxiously revved the small,elderly quad bike and the music of The Great Escape played in the background.......
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Post by kas on Feb 17, 2013 19:15:29 GMT
However as we know, El Stalliano got captured under a Farelli rug on page 5 - so...
Jonty cautiously skirted the barn looking for a way to see in, turning and walking backwards a lot so he could keep an eye on the door in case anyone came out. He was doing this when he fell arse over tit and landed flat on his back with a "oooph!" sort of noise. What the heck had he fallen over? Oh heck, it was a small hairy pony that seemed to have fallen foul of a stray Farelli ball of yarn and was sleeping soundly. "What the F**k??" squealed BB, waking up with a snort. His lovely dream of leaping to the rescue with El Stalliano fell to pieces as he realised that he was still outside of the barn. Luckily his trusty quad bike was nearby... "A pony, that could come in handy" thought Jonty, and turned a Join Up stare towards BB. "Ye can feck off with that crap as well ye daft old bugger!" BB told him. "Don't you know that doesn't work with opinionated small Scots ponies??". Jonty fell back in amazement. "You can talk!!" "Of course I can talk you bleedin' eejit, how else can I tell Snags what I want her to bring back from the shops?? Now, where's that hole in the barn I was peering through before that ball of bleddy wool landed on my heed?".
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Post by kas on Feb 17, 2013 19:27:20 GMT
They found the hole and peered through it together. This involved a bit of pushing and shoving, but there was room, honest. What a sorry sight met their eyes. All around the barn horses and ponies, the famous and infamous of internet legend, stood around sleeping under Farelli Fantastic Rugs. Swarming around them were Farelli-ites, grooming and oiling them and wielding Cowboy Magic (gratuitous plug - can we get sponsorship?). "That's right, make them look perfect for the riding school. They need to be tidied, and clipped and no more of this scruffy stuff. We're talking BHS!" Belinda marched around smartly. cracking a Fatty String as she spoke. "What to do with these Arab manes Belinda?" queried the ever-faithful Marelli Farelli. "Hog them!" instructed Belinda "Riding schools hate messy manes!" "Ahhh! Noooo! She canna do it!!" BB gasped and wrung his hooves in alarm as Marelli lifted up Khant's lovely chesnut locks. "I've got clippers in my lorry" said Marelli, "I'll finish oiling hooves, make sure Fat is topped up with single malt, and go get them soon". "We need help! Where are Cartouche, and Nix, and my wonderful El Stalliano??" BB wrung his hooves some more. Jonty didn't say a word, he just moved BB's hairy head so that he was looking towards a corner of the barn. There, in a high metal round pen, a heap of horse, and chaps, and hats, and boots, and legs (that's Nix and Stove because they are lanky). Just starting to stir as they woke up, but no help there. "Back to the Town Hall!" Jonty grabbed BB by the neck and spun him around, vaulting neatly if a little creakily on to his back. "I think I can wake the others up. It might just work... Where's Poshnbecks's capacious handbag? I'm sure I saw it on the steps...". They skidded to a halt in front of the Town Hall and BB grabbed the bag in his teeth, upending it in the dust. Jonty pounced and came up triumphant "Sloe Gin!" he grinned.
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Post by kas on Feb 17, 2013 19:31:17 GMT
They raced into the knitting room and BB opened all the windows to let the vapours out. He did this by kicking a few chairs smartly through them, not being a pony to mess around. Jonty started going from knitter to knitter, prising open their jaws and pouring down slugs of the good stuff. First to come round were Nellie Stains and Dave Mellons, who woke up flat out on the carpet eye to eye with each other. "!!!!" said Nelle. (Well, you would, wouldn't you?) "What now Jonty?" panted BB. "We're going to need a diversion" pondered Jonty "how are you on that quad bike of yours BB?".
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Post by beksnjake on Feb 18, 2013 19:16:36 GMT
(How did you know about my capacious handbags kas!!!)
Poshnbecks slowly opened her eyes "I'm sure that's my Sloe Gin I can taste" she muttered. All around Silverendies were coming too, groggily rubbing their eyes, which was somewhat dangerous given the fact they were holding large knitting needles.
"OMG it is my Sloe Gin" she cried "My emergency vintage supply - well as the summer was so bad and there were no Sloes to make Sloe Gin with, luckily I'd kept a couple of litres back from the year before last and I always try to carry a flask with me (in my extremely spacious handbag which also has all manner of other interesting but possibly useless items in) just in case of emergencies because you never know when there might be an emergency. . . . . . ."
"Please shut up" said Jonty wondering when this strange babbling woman was going to pause for breath " we need to rescue the horses, Fat is planning something awful. . . . ."
Just then everyone in the room heard a bloodcurdling howl.
Jonty looked scared "Was that Philip (fuckin legend) Spry?" he whispered
"No!" exclaimed Nellie as she dragged herself away from Dave Mellons to look out of the window "Its a small hairy pony on a quad bike"
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Post by kas on Feb 18, 2013 19:27:37 GMT
"The diversion!" Jonty leapt to his feet (he's nimble for an old guy). "Come on you lot, we've got to act now, BB is putting his little hairy bod on the line for us out there!". "Waaa???" mumbled Snags and Kos, the last to have been administered the Sloe Gin. "They're going to hog the Arabs!!" yelled Jonty. "They're going to f'ing do f'ing wot??" screeched Kos. "I'll take their feckin' heeds off their feckin' shoulders!" cried Snags, grabbing the nearest heavy object, which turned out to be a Mayor's Mace. "And they've captured Stove, and Cartouche, and Nix..." Jonty trailed off, the room was already empty and a cloud of dust was heading rapidly for the barn. Nobody hogs our Arabs!
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Post by snigsby on Feb 19, 2013 9:21:13 GMT
"What the....?" exclaimed Fats as his cigar fell out of his open mouth and the tinkle of breaking crystal filled the air when his Scotch glass fell from his nerveless hand. "Belinda! Belinda! Look!"
As both of them stared out of the barn window,an unbelievable sight met their eyes.
A scarecrow. wearing chaps and the battered remains of Stove's hat, stood in the middle of the field as a small herd of be-kilted shetland ponies galloped around,faces painted blue. The largest of them (although that wasn't saying much as they were all a bit on the minute side) was shrieking "Scots! Wha daur meddle wi us!"
Leaping up to the scarecrow,he barged it. He feinted a double barrel at it. He did a gallop past,ripping the pockets off its coat. He spun on the spot,neatly avoiding the headcollar in its hand.
"That has to be the worst behaved pony In The World!" whispered Belinda as she reapplied her lipgloss and hitched up her skintight bareback jods. "He needs us,Fats". As she turned misty eyed,Fats swore looudly and replied "I know what he needs,and it sure isn't any of that Listening To Horses rubbish. What that pony needs is a darned good........." He was interrupted by the sound of a very large,lengthy ponyfart rippling across the field.
"Right,that's it! Bring a blanket,Belinda" Fats ordered as he made for the door.
"ooh,Fats" simpered Belinda "I love it when you're masterful.I think I'll just call you Mr Grey."
AS Fats rushed into the field,BB shouted "Hairy!" an the three little ponies assumed the position inside the gate. As Fats fell over them in a tangle of legs,kilts and chaps,BB roared past on the quad bike and made good his escape.
Meanwhile...........
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Post by beksnjake on Feb 19, 2013 10:43:20 GMT
OMG I have just spat my coffee all over the staff room!! Please no more.
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Post by kas on Feb 19, 2013 18:27:57 GMT
Belinda fell back against the round pen as a scrummage of Silverend students, followed closely by Nellie and Jonty, burst into the barn yelling "You feckers! Drop the feckin' clippers!". Nix grabbed her chance to push an arm through the bars and get Belinda in a headlock. The Farelli-ites very sensibly took one look and started leaping out of windows. Kos spotted Marelli standing by Celebrideee's neck with a pair of Whal's in her hand and let out an unearthly wail that shook the very foundations. Snags followed her glare and joined in. As they advanced together Marelli went white, then a deep shade of Farelli green, and was then grabbed by the heels and dragged swiftly away by some very, very good and brave mates. Meanwhile Dave Mellons was battering the padlock on the round pen door with the Mayor's Mace and it was gradually giving way. Phil Nye (fuckin' legend) paced the pen howling menacingly and looking decidedly hairy. Belinda twisted from side to side in Nix's grasp and, having oiled the way with lip gloss, made her escape towards the door.
(We have to let Fats and co escape so that we've got them handy for Bestseller 3. We need a sort of Stephen King ending maybe - anyone??).
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Post by snigsby on Feb 20, 2013 13:00:28 GMT
The sky began to darken and lightning flickered on the horizon. A curious,shuddering sensation passed through the assembled Silverendies and horses. As if in a freeze frame,they watched as the feed bin lids opened and shut and a bunch of deflating balloons squealed past the window. It almost seemed as if they could hear demonic,clown-like laughter in the distance.
Time stood still.
The sound of a quad bike engine faded into the distance as a bug-eyed,struck-dumb pony tried to wriggle free from his bindings. The passenger of the quad bike clutched him to her perfect rounded bosoms. "Ahhhh,my preciousssssss" she whispered "you will be The Perfect Pony".
And with a pop! they vanished.
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Post by kas on Feb 20, 2013 13:26:06 GMT
Wow! Carry on Snigs... ;D
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Post by snigsby on Feb 20, 2013 17:39:48 GMT
Er........that was my attempt at a Stephen King type ending?
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Post by kas on Feb 20, 2013 18:16:07 GMT
Actually, yes, that's classic isn't it? Paves the way nicely for Bestseller III when we've all had a bit of a rest. Nice one Snigs. Ponders... Bestseller III - The Search for BB... (Was that Nellie's Perfect bosoms he was clutched into?)
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