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Post by el on Aug 30, 2010 22:54:32 GMT
I nearly died laughing reading this, keep it coming!
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Post by redhorseracinguk on Sept 1, 2010 11:58:35 GMT
Meanwhile, back at Farelli headquarters... Fat and Belinda were chowing down on some steaks whilst plotting their two pronged attack on Jonty Robarts and Nelly Staines....
"First off, we'll target the followers of 'Ingenious Horsemantricks' by giving them free personalised Parsnip Wands with a free smartie string" That'll grab their attention!
Belinda, chewing her steak open mouthed stared lovingly into Fat's crossed eyes... "Oh, Faaat you do come up with some truly evil ideeas- your so talented!" she giggled and batted her fake eyelashes so much that it caused a mini tsunami to go across the dinner table splattering Fat's humungous moustache with a spoonful of mashed potato...
"Jonty isn't going to know what's hit him!! Fat banged the table with his fist... knocking bourbon into his dinner....
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Post by breakfast on Oct 4, 2010 7:53:51 GMT
INTERMISSION
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Post by beksnjake on Oct 4, 2010 10:39:21 GMT
Thats another soaking my keyboard's got ;D ;D ;D Please stop. Mind you why is he wearing a hat - its not his head he needs to worry about!!
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Post by kas on Oct 4, 2010 15:25:54 GMT
Back to the plot...
"There!" announced Jonty, clicking the mouse with a flourish, "Waddya think girl?" Even with the benefit of her immaculate makeup, Nelly Stains had gone white "Jonty" she faltered, "you aren't serious are you? Naked TREC???". Jonty grinned confidently "Hell girl, what a great way to publicise what we can do with a horse! Imagine, a team of Intelligent Associates after a few sessions under a sunbed - job done!". Nelly reeled back from the laptop searching desperately for something suitable to say, as Jonty turned to switch on a nearby television. "I have some great ideas" he mused, "I knew this one would just bowl you over, that's why I announced it on my interview on Horse and Country TV that's about to air". As the screen came to life Nelly Stains sank to the floor, clutching her green hoody reflexively around her.
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Post by el on Oct 6, 2010 20:29:00 GMT
Cowboy music begins to drift from the TV as footage of the beautiful UK countryside is broadcast to a worldwide audience. The scene cuts to a picture of the Queen, sitting regally in an armchair with her corgies, on a platform overlooking a beautifully presented TREC course. "One has great respect for marvellous men, who inspire all of us to go that extra mile and truely understand an animal as majestic as the horse."
At this stage Nelly has nearly fainted and is trying to pull herself up on the corner of the settee, green hoodie all but forgotten about.
"For the second time in my life, I give to you, the most wonderful of all men, Mr. Cowboy Jonty!" announces the Queen to a restrained applause from the audience, made up mainly of security men.
The cowboy music gets boosted up about 10 levels, and out gallops Jonty butt naked on a 13.2 grey Connemara and both bomb around the grounds, leaving in their wake huge farting noises. From the footage, it's hard to make out who's doing the farting and from the worried expression on Jontys face there maybe a serious bowel issue.
Viewers are also getting the impression that steering may be an issue as the Connie pelts around the grass getting faster, with the rider showing little impact on its speed or direction, and certainly going no where near the beautifully designed TREC course. Then the Connemara heads straight for the round pen, and proceeds to bomb round on autopilot as Jonty tries in dispair to get him to slow down, or to even point an ear to the centre, hell even a lick and chew would do....
At this stage, security start to react and an evacuation of the grounds is ordered, and medics attend to the queen who has just collapsed. The Corgies having seen the offending ass are now in a very determined but shortlegged pursuit of the bare butted Jonty, who now out of the round pen, can be seen heading at a good speed towards a massive and very prickly hedge...........
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Post by kas on Nov 4, 2010 7:44:51 GMT
You could hear a spider scuttle across the floor as the cowboy music faded out and Stove and Ironic Tencents sat open mouthed looking at their television screen. Eventually, "Strewth" exclaimed Stove, "no strides. That's got to chafe." "Well Stove" exclaimed Ironic "if you think you're getting up to any of that exhibitionist crap think again. I have enought problems with students taking photos of your neat, denim-clad rear when you're colt starting." "Fine by me!" agreed Stove "I think we need to get ourselves over to the UK though, looks like it's the place where all the action's going to be this summer". "OK, I'll go book flights." Ironic agreed "But we're not going yet, it's only February...
It was only February, and yet ten Intelligent Associates shivered and stamped in the biting wind, clutching their green hoodies more tightly around them. Jonty and Nelly peeped out at them from the heated interior of a Range Rover with tinted windows. "OK my loyal team! Jonty has an announcement for you." Nelly informed them. "I sure have guys" Jonty beamed "I've got a very special person along to help us with this new TREC project." He turned to look into the rear of the car, a door opened and out stepped Gok Wan. swathed in 14 varieties of fake fur. "Do you look good naked???" he asked, as the film crew piled out behind him. "But I haven't waxed!" wailed one IA, fainting clean away.
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Post by redhorseracinguk on Nov 4, 2010 9:10:36 GMT
Ha ha ha ha ha INSPIRED! xx
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Post by kas on Nov 4, 2010 16:33:45 GMT
Fat and Belinda were already in the air somewhere over the Atlantic. Fat lifted his eye shade, hauled himself out of the depths of his first class comfy seat, and knocked back the slug of single malt that was conveniently placed by his right hand. "Belinda!" he shook her excitedly with no effect. "Belinda!" repeated Fat, wafting a handy gin and tonic under her nose. Belinda fought her way out from under her fleecy first class blanky, removed her eye mask, lifted two cucumber slices from her eyes, reached for an aloe vera tissue to wipe off Instant Lip-Full Lip Pumping Bee Sting Wonder Gel from her lips, mopped off her Estee Lauder Boswelox Miracle Anti-Ageing Overnight Treatment with another aloe vera tissue, peeled the Make Crows Feet History strips from the corner of her eyes and gave Fat her attention. "Waddya mean waking me up in the middle of the night Fat?" she growled, "This better be good!". "It sure is Honey Pie" Fat assured her "I just had a swell idea! I'm going to get El Stalliano Diaboloso for my UK demo tour. I heard Jonty Robarts wanted him, but he's got some new gig lined up, so just imagine the headlines. "Fat Farelli Faces The Beast That Jonty Robarts Was Too Chicken To Challenge". "Yeah... that's not a bad idea Fat" Belinda agreed "although I think the PR could do with a bit of work. You might need to speak to Dan Flan about that. However, El Stalliano Diaboloso is one helluva beast Fat, how exactly do you plan on taming him?". "My ace up my sleeve is being shipped over as we speak Oh Golden One" said Fat "One look at that lovely mare Spellbound and that 'ole boy will be putty in my hands". "Spellbound? You mean that mare that Philip Spry you turned from devil horse into cow pony?" asked Belinda. "Way to go Fat! She's a great horse. A real credit to Philip's your training."
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Post by kas on Nov 4, 2010 23:23:36 GMT
Loins were being girded all over the world of horsemanship. However, news travels slowly in Devon, and Trim and Skippy Widdlecombe didn't have a telly. So it wasn't until late February, when Trim bumped into Bob Kidney (the charismatic local Tricker Trainer) in the pub that they heard of Jonty's latest project. Ever obliging, Bob bicycled over to their farm the next day and dropped off a copy of the Horse and Country TV programme on a DVD.
(Cast of 1,000's developing here).
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Post by kas on Nov 6, 2010 18:04:19 GMT
"Come on Trim!" said Skippy, "Surely we could at least go and have a look at what they are all up to?". "Oh, I dunno Skip," Trim replied, "it's all the travelling, and I've got so much stuff I want to do here on Trim's Farm. I don't know if I can be arsed really". Skippy grinned and gave him an affectionate hug, "Sounds good to me" she agreed "we can stay home and read about it on the Sploring Horsemanship forum from the comfort of our armchairs".
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Post by kas on Nov 6, 2010 18:12:11 GMT
Jonty had to confess, he was a tad disappointed in the Intelligent Associates. True, they were attacking all TREC courses in their path with enviable skill. Their horses were gleaming with health and fitness and loving the challenge. However, as he sat with Gok in the cosy warmth of Nelly's front room viewing the latest video footage, he had to confess that all was not going quite to plan. The IA's were not naked. In a valiant attempt to meet him half way they were down to their undies, but visions of faded pink thermals and Spanx (suggested by Gok to address some body confidence issues) was not really what he'd had in mind. Gok was quiet, rather subdued and sporting an impressive black eye. His cunning plan to secretly photograph Nelly in her undies and hang a 60ft high copy on the side of the arena at The Quob had backfired somewhat.
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Post by el on Nov 6, 2010 20:24:43 GMT
legendary.
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Post by kas on Nov 6, 2010 22:23:14 GMT
Commercial Break
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Post by kas on Nov 6, 2010 22:49:59 GMT
Fat Farelli was waiting impatiently for El Stalliano Diaboloso to arrive from Andalucia. His owners had insisted that he travel overland, as he had a history of airplane destruction. So far the journey was going well, only two transporter lorries had been taken off the road for repairs, and the travelling grooms were doing nicely, fortified by some of Scotland's best thoughtfully shipped over by Fat. Never one to miss a marketing opportunity, Dan Flan was travelling with the stallion, filming the journey, Twittering as he went. The You Tube videos were going viral. Farelli students throughout the UK were in a fever of anticipation. Parsnip Wands were taken out of the tack room and polished.
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