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Post by snigsby on Nov 14, 2010 9:15:00 GMT
"Belinda!" roared Fats,"get your cute l'il ass in here! We gotta problem!"
El Stalliano Diaboloso was currently held at Calais and as he refused to allow the French vets anywhere near him his microchip couldn't be scanned. Three of them were nursing large,hoof and teeth shaped bruises.
"An allegation of identity fraud 'as been made against ziz 'orse" spluttered a small Immigration official. " We zink he ees a pikey pony in disguise and wiz zee eyes of zee world and ze FIE watching us, we 'ave to be seen to be doing ze right thing! We cannot just ship him off to Eengland!"
As Fats fumed and drank, Belinda was furiously texting Harley Street. "Thank goodness",she thought,"I'll have time for some more Botox and maybe a little lip filler while this gets sorted out."
Meanwhile,up in the Far,Far North, a harassed looking Older Woman trailing a black hairy creature on a string, was brandishing a bus pass and arguing with a coach driver about whether creatures smallenough to be dogs could be classed as actual dogs and therefore allowed on the coach...........
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Post by el on Nov 14, 2010 18:51:38 GMT
Meanwhile, on the Sploring Horsemanship forum, reports were coming in about strange events happening in Germany. The "Berliner Kurier" had published a report about a virus that was gripping the small town of Isselbach. Female equestrian visitors to the town were experiencing loss of limb control, difficulty sleeping, and loss of the power of speech, and exhibiting dazed like expressions, with symptons lasting for up to three days in some cases. Locals had been speculating it may be a previously unknown form of equine flu which had mutated accross the species divide.
Back online, outtolunch and brian had been nominated to investigate, as the situation was deemed too dangerous to females to risk sending any of the rest of the lot over.
The boys bravefully bid farewell and then proceeded to update all online every hour through the use of smartphones and the efficiency of germans airplanes. After arriving in Berlin, they quickly made their way to Isselbach, amzed by the number of bewildered looking females wandering the roads in hard hats and jodpurs clutching parsnip wands.......
At Isselbach, it was all deserted except for a friendly Czech lad called Bonza surrounding by 15 abandoned horses, all now piaffing at liberty together..... Was Bonza the source of the mysterious outbreak? How did he get that many horses piaffing together?! Could Bonza's powers come in useful in the UK?
With so many questions, the lads had no other choice but to stay for four days helping Bonza train the horses and ensuring the females were ok, before returning back to england with a cunning pan...........
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Post by kas on Nov 15, 2010 9:17:31 GMT
;D
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Post by el on Nov 15, 2010 18:11:58 GMT
The rumblings of trouble from the UK had reached as far as the US. In the land where a good horse is usually covered in mud and surrounded by straight fences and loose women, a telephone rang out one lonely night at 3.30am cowboy western time. Two rooms down the hall, the midnight oil burned as Spot HiddenRasher toiling through page 867 of his 126th novel. All his previous novels were bestsellers on amazon.com’s top 10 best horse books ever written list. Spot carefully wiped the sleep from his eyes, stumbled up from his chair and made his way slowly through the cold corridor when the phone waited impatiently. He picked it up, holding it like a pen (old habits die hard).
‘Yes?’ he whispered quietly, from years of practise of working with horses.
‘Well howdy Partner!’ is yelled loudly down the line from a very enthusiastic sounding Texan, who is literally bounding around in an arena down in Fort Worth, half way through a colt starting event.
‘This here’s Cartout White, horse trainer and cowboy extraordinaire! I’m a tella-phonin’ you about the naked horse ridin’ that’s a gettin’ goin’ on’ across the pond in the U of K. There’s big things a happenin’ over there, and I hear my old pal Outtolunch needs some help. I hear you’ve been over that way once or twice and you know the maps, so I though ya’ll might like to come over with me, catch up with the Widdlecombs and see what the darn’s hells’s a going on.’
At this stage Spot HiddenRasher has fallen off the telephone stool and is desperately trying to upright himself back onto the chair, while simultaneously turning down the volume on his phone, in a desperate last effort not to wake the entire house.
‘I.. uhh.. I... do you know what time this is???!!!’
‘Of course I know what time it is!!’ Cartout White bellows down the phone. Perhaps writing all of those books had finally had some sort of weird psychological impact on Spot HiddenRasher brain. ‘It’s feckin’ time to get over to the UK and see what’s going on and help our friends!’
Spot HiddenRasher pauses, trying to take in all of his unexpected information.
‘Did you say Trim and Skippy Widdlecombe were involved?’ Spot HiddenRasher asks, still abit dazed and confused.
‘At this stage mate, the whole of bloody England’s involved! They’ve got some lad from the Czech Republic coming too, Nelly and Jonty are causing chaos with some sort of naked trek, and Fat & Belinda are in the middle of everything with some doo-lally horse who’s after destroying half of France. Are you in or are you in??!!’
Spot HiddenRasher sighs. ‘Sign me up Cartout. I guess we’re off to England ‘
‘Well thank the Lord! I’ll drive up & collect ya on the way though. Round up ya hosses Spot, we’re a goin’ on an adventure!’ YeeeeeeHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!
Spot replaces the phone handle and shakes his head to himself. God only knew what he’d just signed himself up for.
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Post by kas on Nov 15, 2010 18:17:08 GMT
And what we've signed ourselves up for on this thread.
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Post by snigsby on Nov 15, 2010 20:16:25 GMT
.......as the coach trundled across the Pennines, all the passengers were quietly dozing through the night. Apart from two.In the back seat,clutching a large can of Irn Bru and a ukelele,a small black hairy creature was cheerfully singing "Goodbye,cruel world, I'm off to join the Circus". Beside him,the harassed looking older woman was rummaging through a gigantic backpack,muttering
parsnip wand - tick! nude Spanx all in one complete body stocking - tick! cowboy halter - tick! Farelli bareback jods - tick! green sweatshirt - tick! Tom Dorrance audiobook - tick! FeelWithYourHorse straw hat - tick!
"OMG,OMG, I'm sure I've forgotten something" she fretted.
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Post by kas on Nov 15, 2010 22:03:35 GMT
Would you like a 'Sploring Horsemanship cowboy hat instead Snigs?
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Post by beksnjake on Nov 15, 2010 22:45:42 GMT
;D ;D ;D
Took me awhile el but I worked them out!
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Post by snigsby on Nov 22, 2010 10:27:22 GMT
Several long days later, Snags sank gratefully onto a bench outside the bus station in Torquay.
"We'd have been here a lot sooner if we hadn't had to detour via the Tower Ballroom in Blackpool to watch Nan Widdlecombe being dragged around the floor" she grumbled to BB, who sprawled along the rest of the bench, resplendant in a rug with the words "Rafferty Du Bek" embroidered in glitter on the rump and a "Kiss Me Quick" hat.
"Right, now all we have to do is find the Widdlecombes. It shouldn't be too difficult as I believe they live within half an hour's ride of every local pub".........
...........Trim had an involuntary dismount as two bedraggled figures appeared at the side of the moorland track. Picking twigs out of his beard,he held onto his cob and said "if you're SAS,you've just failed and if you're here for the Horse Camp, you're a bit late".
"Oh,no,Trim, explained Snags,we've been sent by the "Splories. They need your help!" Muttering to himself, Trim reluctantly agreed that the two travellers could come home with him and try to explain their request to Skippy. "And keep that pony out of your space!" he suggested as Snags struggled to control an over excited BB "Oh,gosh,she cried breathlessly,how? How?" "Just do what you need to do" roared Trim,silently wishing he believed in unnatural horsemanship and big sticks............
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Post by redhorseracinguk on Nov 22, 2010 11:11:35 GMT
At which point, carried away with the excitement of the moment, BB Du Bek decided to show Trim his newly acquired *ballroom dancing* skills ala Nan Widdlecomb... leaping straight on to Trim and Snags feet simultaneously.... Owwwwwwwww! They both screeched... "BB you ARE NOT A LIPPYZARNA" .... cursed Snags as BB piaffed and passaged like a prima ballerina. Trim adjusted his moss covered cowboy hat sulkily, groaned inwardly and secretly hope their pitch to Skippy was better than their first impression.... Meanwhile, lurking in the bracken and gorse was Genghis (a chestnut Arab of very fine breeding dontyaknow?!) sporting a novelty moustache, googly eye glasses and a novelty Blackpool lolly stuck in his forelock (courtesy of a small child in a buggy who had mistaken Genghis for a seaside donkey whilst he was trying to steal said lolly), giving the impression of a rather large Elvis-eqsue quiff (coife)... "Hmmm, she told me they were only popping out to buy some horse treats- I wonder what they're up to?"....
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Post by snigsby on Nov 22, 2010 18:16:31 GMT
Back at the farm,Skippy had been scanning the moor with her binoculars as Trim was,even for him,rather late coming home from the Stag's Head. Spying BB Du Bek's antics, she thought she saw a lot of potential - potential for what, she wasn't too sure.
Arriving at the farm, Snags hastily shoved BB behind a handy silage bale and advanced ingratiatingly upon Skippy. Several pleadings and beggings later, Skippy reluctantly agreed that if Trim was willing, they would do their best to help."As long as I don't have to drive that flippin' A303 again" he grumbled.
Off they set, the orange and pink psychedelic VW Caravanette chugging and spluttering as Skippy tried to see through the faded "Save the Whale" and "Make Love Not War" stickers that seemed to cover every available surface.
Trim and BB nodded happily in time together on the back seat as they downloaded the Beatles back catalogue to BB's Ipod.............suddenly the VW screeched to a halt!! "OMG,OMG,cried Snags, I knew I'd forget something! Where are we going?"
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Post by kas on Nov 22, 2010 19:42:42 GMT
BB rummaged under the Feelwithyourhorse straw hat and passed over a flyer. "Ah! The NEC! The event is in 3 weeks time, we should just about make it" confirmed Trim. If anyone had looked out of the side window they might have noticed a beautiful chesnut Arab cantering over nearby fields, easily keeping pace with the Caravanett. It was a bit tricky looking out of the side windows, to be fair, as the view was restricted by pink gingham curtains.
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Post by redhorseracinguk on Nov 22, 2010 22:10:17 GMT
;D ;D ;D I love this story! xx
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Post by kas on Nov 22, 2010 22:31:11 GMT
Another commercial break, which may be of interest to some Splories.
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Post by nicxf on Nov 23, 2010 21:32:14 GMT
it gets madder and madder.... ;D
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